SILENCE

A hand that guided your way, 

helped with problems of the day, 

for many years kept demons at bay. 

helped shape me,

gave your life a fresh view,

showed me where the world could be made anew. 

taught right from wrong, 

always carried in their heart a bright song, 

always admonished me when I did something wrong. 

kept the light on no matter how dark the night, 

always showed me how to fight the good fight, 

do in your heart what is right. 

the endless learnings, 

the corrections in life, 

somehow he knew how to do away with strife. 

the guided hand is there no more, 

the words of wisdom have gone too, 

left adrift I am on this cold floor. 

Silence all around me without you around, 

my father, my guide, my friend, 

without you, for me life has no sound. 

Mistakes

I havent written in many years now. Its like the rat race consumed in entirety and i wasnt able to find my way out.
Along the way i seem to have lost my moral compass too and thats very disturbing. Mistakes i have made, far too many. Let people down, hurt their feelings and sense of trust. I have not redeemed myself to be the man that i was brought up to be. Which only makes me look back at all the mistakes i have made till date and wonder about them too.
Has my moral compass always been askew? Have i always treated people with such frivalty and casualness? Have i no respect for another person? What happened to me...where did i lose my way....what made me this....this monster.

So many questions...but really no answers. I am told to seek help but then again who is really qualified to help and how. Its such a dreaded feeling to wake up in fear as to what i did wrong the previous day for which i would have to answer today. Did i say something wrong? did i offend someone? Did i write something somehwere that could hurt the feelings of another? These are the first questions that plague me when i awake instead of what a beautiful day its going to be.

I have started living with that sense of fear and dread, it being my fault in the first place. The blame will squarely rest on me. I have been called names beacuse of this.....pathetic, sick, asshole, callous, cold hearted are but a few phrases that i have come to attract and in the process i am losing people i love, there is no faith anymore in me and my abilities.

I am only expected to screw up, i am only expected to make mistakes. How did i get here. To this place...this hell...why?

I have only myself to blame...and my lack of judgement and respect.

She was right, i will always and forever be alone.

Its not like anyone is reading.

Shortcomings

A lot of people try to understand who I am or what I am trying to do in life or trying to be. I don't know myself so its quite surprising how people make conclusions. I am lost. I have been los for a very long time, lost and broken. I have been trying to fix myself but it doesn't seem to be happening at all with me. No matter how hard I try I always end up where I started at. It has become so hard to walk around with a smile on my face and act like everything is alright. It has become so hard to use humour as a mechanism to divert attention from myself and get other people to laugh and feel like there is nothing wrong.

There is so much wrong and it just screws up everything else in life. People don't get the fact that space is needed to breathe and they tend to suffocate. I am used to that now but it becomes hard when the mind itself is so suffocated and wants to breathe but just doesn't get the opportunity to do so. Work holds no interest anymore as I am not able to comprehend it. Just so distracted and lost. Floundering for direction and a shoulder to cry on. Its just so hard to be alone in ones head and the whole world just thinks that everything is okay. I wish I could just explain all my problems away or just explain all my pain away.

at times I feel I should just go. Far far away from everyone and spare them the pain of having to put up with me and my weirdness. My penchant for the unknown and my want to do crazy things all the time. Apparently there is a time for normal but sadly I wasn't made of aware of that when I was being assigned this body I occupy. People have walked away from me in the past and still continue to do so. The only difference is that in the past it used to hurt a lot but now its just a fate I have to accept. I am but a frivolous part of their lives and can be discarded when and where they feel like. It is a fate I have come to terms with because you see I am just a jester, a joker, a clown. With no real value for anybody. Just an entertainer.

Its time I left, its time I bowed my head and exited this stage I call a life and go away someplace where I am obscure, unknown, lost! Its hard to live with so much hate, So much blame, so much acrimony. Its hard to deal with it day in and day out and to live with the accusing stares and barbed words. Its mind numbing and energy sapping.

Is Time to do away with these shortcomings.



 

INTO MY MIND

A past lived and suffered
A present to cope with it,
A future to build upon the ruins.

Time played a nasty card,
Took the dreams and innocence away,
Shocked the mind and forced a hand.

Lived a nightmare,
Dragged a living corpse around,
Without the dream there was nothing.

Buried the past,
Mentally drained and physically exhausted,
But locked the monster away.

Lived a life of chase,
Playing hide and seek with my own mind,
Afraid the monster would get out...would get me.

Its been years since i thought about it,
Felt the fear and burden,
Though it lurks in the shadows all the time.

I need to cleanse my past though i dont know how,
It bears down on me today,
More than i can handle.

I regret it today more than ever,
Makes me sick and brings me down to my knees,
The monster is out and it's trying to get me again.

Hope Hardwork and Lady luck

I once heard my friend tell me that " hope is the hatstand he hangs his dreams on " which was true in a sense considering everyday he lived was a boon while he guarded the borders of our country.

I have made that my motto because nothing seems to work out anymore. I mean we make plans to go for a holiday and all our hopes are set on those beautiful valleys below the snowy caps of the Himalayas and suddenly the boss comes in and dumps more work on your table and cancels your leave. That time when you wanted to be on time to pick up the girl of your dreams and a tyre goes flat and you get delayed and your clothes get dirty. Hope is a sorry joke that is played on us ant like humans.Romans hoped to rule the world forever, well they didn't count on being thrown out of the British isles when they were. The British hoped to dominate the whole world forever and they got raped by the Americans first and then the world went crazy on their hinny.

Hell Hitler wanted to rule the world and see what happened...his hope was first destroyed by the best vodka makers in the world and then the inventors of evening tea made his plan and hope a royal mess. Hitler then got screwed by the maker of the hotdog and well then that was that..he couldnt believe that food and drink made so much of a difference so he shot himself. so much for THAT HOPE. History is full of instances like these where hope has been lost and very rearely found. As is with everyday life.

Well along with hope a lot else goes wrong too like the want to work further. I ask so WHAT if something you hoped for didnt happen. Why are you giving up? Just because you hoped for a promotion at the next review and it didn't happen doesn't mean you give up. What most don't realize and fail to take into account is that HOPE is just 1% of the whole equation. You have hard work and also the very moody Lady luck.

Now Hard work is something we all profess we do. But we and only we know how much is true. We might say that we spend 15 hrs in the office, but out of those 15 hours how many do you spend on coffee breaks and how many on smoking breaks and how many just aimlessly chatting with people on the office phone. That's not hard work, that's Hardly any work. That's not how anything will get done. If you say 15 hours then you should be putting atleast 13 hours of work into it. Life is hard and we cant be banking on hope to get us through. It is a powerful psychological drug that gets us through a lot but then if the drug does not work then we get depressed.

Now to Lady luck. Ah the elusive and desirable Lady luck. How everyone of us wants to make her ours for life but we don't realize that she is everybody's mistress but nobody's wife. Through time what not has been used to charm her. Charms and spells and rabbit feet and what not. Sadly worked only for a few for a limited time because her attention span is that of a lady standing in a multibrand clothing store. Sorry folks but its true. Its going to take more than a rabbit's foot and all the charms in the world to have lady luck favour you.

Hopes and wishes can be made and prayed upon but they are upto us to make come true. The big baluga sitting up in the skies isn't going to do all the dirty work for you. There will be times where you  will have to get down in the mud and get as dirty as pig....the difference being you wont enjoy it but the pig will.

A Maze

My mind is a maze i cannot figure,
No matter how hard i tried it is failed use of vigor.

Confusion reigns here supreme,
Darkness spreads at times to extremes.

I know not what i am here to do,
At times my mind feels like a zoo.

Trapped with my thoughts like animals in a cage,
Fill me with frustration and rage.

A little clarity is certainly required,
Or else for life i am going to be tired.

You used to guide me and help me through this maze,
It was all so clear but now only haze.

I wish you would come back and hold my hand,
Lead me to the end, the sea and the sand.

I wish to be free of the haze and this pain,
To see the maze clearly and push myself in wain.

I want to think clearly as clear as the bright day,
If only this confusion left me and let me go out and play.

Shards

They are a part of me i accept that's true,
Shattered from a life that on the floor you threw.

A million pieces scattered and strewn,
with blood that oozed over them and filled the room.

I see no colour and my body doesn't bleed,
But the life out of my soul slowly leaves.

I watch it ooze and let it flow,
I have no energy so i let it go.

These shards they prick me and make me start,
True to the aim they prick my heart.

I cringe i weep i beg you so,
Not a care in the world you don't stop my flow.

I slowly get lost in my own darkness,
Not feeling the pain only on my face the dampness.

My soul has bled and has no more,
It is left mutilated and gored.

The darkness has engulfed me swallowed me whole,
The shards are all i feel as i fall down this hole.