" Hello Darkness my old friend " A classic companion of simon and garfunkel...my constant companion now for more years than i care to remember.
Darkness has taken over my mind.....no i am not dying as yet there is a feeling of dread that has filled the catacombs of what i call my mental arena. A feeling of dread and despair, morbid thoughts and negativity. Its like i am harboring a dying being in my head, An animal that's wounded and needs help but somehow i don't know how to help it. How do i relieve myself of this feeling, this gnawing sense of a dreadful voice and sounds of something.
I spend nights awake listening to the trees rustle and the owls hoot. I listen for those sounds that live in my mind, those screams of silence and the heavy breathing of death. I listen close for her voice which taunts me and screams at me, calling my name out as she mocks me and call me a FOOL. I don't know who she is or what it is, but its there. I call it my despair and depression, others might call it my insecurities and my fear. I really am at a loss as to what to name it or how to address it and be rid of it. Alas it doesn't happen.
Spent years hitting the bottle trying to drown the voice out. Drank myself under yet that voice remained. Drank myself to the edge and yet the voice and the sounds never went away, the less sober i was the wilder the sounds and voice became till it was a shrill screaming in my head and i'd pass out and wake up to a sense of nothingness and a world that sadly hadn't changed. To think i was only out for a few hours and seemed like eternity. Many a tine i would ponder what made me pass out, was it the alcohol or was it the shrill screaming of a banshee in my head that pushed me over into that world of nothingness for a few hours where i was deaf and blind and had found solace from that being for sometime.
Sometimes i question who i am and what am i doing here. Questions that i have never found the answers for yet kept becoming less sure of myself. I was called confident for so long and yet on the inside i was craving for support, Like a newborn craves for milk and food. I snatched at straws till i realized what that voice in my head had done to me. Made me weak and made me dependent. I curse it and i curse it much but it didn't change a thing in the wretched life.
I still don't sleep well at night. thankfully i sleep some. But those morbid thoughts are still there and the sense of despair is still there but i hope to get out of it soon. Its been far too long and today it almost did me in, but i have lots to carry on for i think and lots to do in this one small life. Hopefully the Darkness will not me engulf before my time is done.
Darkness has taken over my mind.....no i am not dying as yet there is a feeling of dread that has filled the catacombs of what i call my mental arena. A feeling of dread and despair, morbid thoughts and negativity. Its like i am harboring a dying being in my head, An animal that's wounded and needs help but somehow i don't know how to help it. How do i relieve myself of this feeling, this gnawing sense of a dreadful voice and sounds of something.
I spend nights awake listening to the trees rustle and the owls hoot. I listen for those sounds that live in my mind, those screams of silence and the heavy breathing of death. I listen close for her voice which taunts me and screams at me, calling my name out as she mocks me and call me a FOOL. I don't know who she is or what it is, but its there. I call it my despair and depression, others might call it my insecurities and my fear. I really am at a loss as to what to name it or how to address it and be rid of it. Alas it doesn't happen.
Spent years hitting the bottle trying to drown the voice out. Drank myself under yet that voice remained. Drank myself to the edge and yet the voice and the sounds never went away, the less sober i was the wilder the sounds and voice became till it was a shrill screaming in my head and i'd pass out and wake up to a sense of nothingness and a world that sadly hadn't changed. To think i was only out for a few hours and seemed like eternity. Many a tine i would ponder what made me pass out, was it the alcohol or was it the shrill screaming of a banshee in my head that pushed me over into that world of nothingness for a few hours where i was deaf and blind and had found solace from that being for sometime.
Sometimes i question who i am and what am i doing here. Questions that i have never found the answers for yet kept becoming less sure of myself. I was called confident for so long and yet on the inside i was craving for support, Like a newborn craves for milk and food. I snatched at straws till i realized what that voice in my head had done to me. Made me weak and made me dependent. I curse it and i curse it much but it didn't change a thing in the wretched life.
I still don't sleep well at night. thankfully i sleep some. But those morbid thoughts are still there and the sense of despair is still there but i hope to get out of it soon. Its been far too long and today it almost did me in, but i have lots to carry on for i think and lots to do in this one small life. Hopefully the Darkness will not me engulf before my time is done.
