I havent written in many years now. Its like the rat race consumed in entirety and i wasnt able to find my way out.
Along the way i seem to have lost my moral compass too and thats very disturbing. Mistakes i have made, far too many. Let people down, hurt their feelings and sense of trust. I have not redeemed myself to be the man that i was brought up to be. Which only makes me look back at all the mistakes i have made till date and wonder about them too.
Has my moral compass always been askew? Have i always treated people with such frivalty and casualness? Have i no respect for another person? What happened to me...where did i lose my way....what made me this....this monster.
So many questions...but really no answers. I am told to seek help but then again who is really qualified to help and how. Its such a dreaded feeling to wake up in fear as to what i did wrong the previous day for which i would have to answer today. Did i say something wrong? did i offend someone? Did i write something somehwere that could hurt the feelings of another? These are the first questions that plague me when i awake instead of what a beautiful day its going to be.
I have started living with that sense of fear and dread, it being my fault in the first place. The blame will squarely rest on me. I have been called names beacuse of this.....pathetic, sick, asshole, callous, cold hearted are but a few phrases that i have come to attract and in the process i am losing people i love, there is no faith anymore in me and my abilities.
I am only expected to screw up, i am only expected to make mistakes. How did i get here. To this place...this hell...why?
I have only myself to blame...and my lack of judgement and respect.
She was right, i will always and forever be alone.
Its not like anyone is reading.
Along the way i seem to have lost my moral compass too and thats very disturbing. Mistakes i have made, far too many. Let people down, hurt their feelings and sense of trust. I have not redeemed myself to be the man that i was brought up to be. Which only makes me look back at all the mistakes i have made till date and wonder about them too.
Has my moral compass always been askew? Have i always treated people with such frivalty and casualness? Have i no respect for another person? What happened to me...where did i lose my way....what made me this....this monster.
So many questions...but really no answers. I am told to seek help but then again who is really qualified to help and how. Its such a dreaded feeling to wake up in fear as to what i did wrong the previous day for which i would have to answer today. Did i say something wrong? did i offend someone? Did i write something somehwere that could hurt the feelings of another? These are the first questions that plague me when i awake instead of what a beautiful day its going to be.
I have started living with that sense of fear and dread, it being my fault in the first place. The blame will squarely rest on me. I have been called names beacuse of this.....pathetic, sick, asshole, callous, cold hearted are but a few phrases that i have come to attract and in the process i am losing people i love, there is no faith anymore in me and my abilities.
I am only expected to screw up, i am only expected to make mistakes. How did i get here. To this place...this hell...why?
I have only myself to blame...and my lack of judgement and respect.
She was right, i will always and forever be alone.
Its not like anyone is reading.
